Lori
How are you feeling today?
Today is an exception, I've been pretty good until lately. But just recently felt sting of conflict with a friend who is pregnant and has expectations of me regardless of how my being childless affects this dynamic. So, I'm feeling heavy and misunderstood.
What are you most proud of?
I am most proud of how I've turned my pain into purpose, creating things to help other women based on my own experiences. I published a book, I offer therapeutic art courses, I create loss care packages, and I am a Life Coach focused on finding purpose & joy despite motherhood detours.
What is your biggest learning in life so far?
Not to compare. Every story is unique and my story wasn't meant to be what someone else's looks like. I set up expectations for myself based on what I saw other women go through, but it limited what potential I had, that there were other possible outcomes for me. This made the first six - seven years of infertility extremely stressful and brought on depression. Only once I changed my perspective, and took myself out of the box I'd made with comparisons, did a wide range of possibilities open up that I realized were perfect for me.
What are your hopes for the future?
My hope is to continue to grow my business to reach more women with the collection of resources I have to offer. We also have become spiritual parents to a handful of young adults, and we are thrilled to be part of their lives. We look forward to weddings & 'grandchildren' if that should be part of their stories, but are simply happy we have this family God created for us organically if not biologically.
What would you tell your younger self?
Don't compare stories.
When or where are you happiest?
Getting to watch my spiritual kids grow into healthy adults, developing their own path and making wise decisions for themselves. Seeing the positive impact our presence in their lives has made. I'm so proud of each and every one of them!
What would you like to say to wider society?
Just because our losses are not usually visible doesn't mean we haven't had a lot to grieve and may continue to grieve for a long time. We've lost an identity we believed was our purpose. We've lost time, health, money, energy, pursuing something that ended with no results. We've lost relationships because people move on into new circles where they have common ground, or they are uncomfortable being around the void in our lives. In some cases we've lost pregnancies and babies. We've lost a lot, including the sense of condolences that come with other kinds of grief. If you know someone who is childless not by choice, it would mean the world to them to have someone ask how they are doing with that. If you know someone who's lost a pregnancy or had failed treatments, check in on them. If you don't know what to say, let them know you are there for them, just to listen (and then just listen when they do come to you), or send them an 'I'm thinking of you' gift. Or ask them what they need. Most just want to feel like their grief is seen.