Henrietta
How are you feeling today?
I’m feeling quite punchy. There’s been a little more hope and determination kicking around in my body lately, and the quiet ripple of grief in my chest feels as if it is welcome - I don’t feel as if I have to fight it or contain it. It can just be.
What are you most proud of?
What is your biggest learning in life so far?
We can’t dodge painful feelings. We might believe (and be told) that we can outsmart them with positive thinking or by pulling ourselves together and brushing them aside, but our heartbreaks get stored up inside us and they will keep trying to find a way out. They might try and make themselves known through weird aches and pains that the doctors can’t explain, or shout for attention by getting us to drink too much or work too hard, or by throwing us into depression or luring us into an unhealthy relationship. One way or another, the painful feelings of heartbreak need to be felt, to be witnessed and to be held so that they can heal. I’m not up for the ‘pull yourself together’ option anymore. It has cost me far too much. I’d rather let those painful feelings bring me to my knees, knowing that it’s only temporary.
What are your hopes for the future?
In addressing my fears for a future without my children, I discovered that I left part of myself behind in childhood – the more soulful part of myself, the one that has all the spirit, creativity, compassion and dreams. I let that part of myself shrink so that I could be who I thought other people wanted me to be and to ‘fit in’. This discovery has shaped my hopes for the future which are all about letting that part of me grow again – helping her find her joy, encouraging her creativity and giving her a chance to chase her dreams. I always wanted to have children and to be a mother, but I wanted to be a writer too and there’s still time for that so I’m giving it my best shot. I started writing a memoir (about coming to terms with childlessness) two years ago and it’s almost finished. I have no idea what will happen with it next, but I hope that something will come of it one day and I know that I’ll keep writing anyway.
What would you tell your younger self.
Crikey! There are so many things I can think of that I’d want to tell my younger self at all her different ages, but I know her pretty well, and I know she wouldn’t believe me. She wouldn’t trust me and she wouldn’t take on board what I told her. She’d be too scared. So, I’d probably say nothing, but instead let my ten year old self sit on my lap and do all the talking while I held her and listened. I’d let her tell me how scared and alone she felt and I’d cuddle her until she stopped crying.
When or where are you happiest?
I’m happiest when it’s just me and a friend chatting while we’re hanging out and doing something creative or fun. It could be planting out tomato seedlings or cooking over a campfire together, or it could be hiking up a mountain and taking in the views or making something slightly rubbish-looking out of clay and finding it funny. It doesn’t really matter, as long as we’re both enjoying what we’re doing and we’re both at ease in our conversation and being real and honest in what we say. I guess these situations are when I feel the most connected to someone else and completely comfortable in my own skin. Hence happy.
What would you like to say to wider society?
I listened to a snippet of a podcast earlier. It was about parenting and how raising children can bring up grief and loss from one’s own childhood and that being a parent involves a deep healing process. One of the comments beneath the video said something like, “If you don’t have children you miss the opportunity to face your childhood issues and you never grow up.” I wanted to reply and express that, for me, becoming childless brought me face-to-face with my childhood issues in the most monumental way and presented me with a different opportunity to do the same kind of ‘growing up.’ I wasn’t brave enough to say anything though. I was conscious of being dismissed or met defensively, and that’s a sad reflection of my experience of trying to discuss the challenges of involuntary childlessness and my healing process over the past three years. With that in mind, I’d want to say to wider society that I’d like to feel safe enough within it that I could talk openly about my experiences without being shut down, and that I am both willing and keen to hear about others’ experiences as parents or non-parents. I don’t believe that one person’s experience negates the other’s or trumps the other’s. All our different experiences coexist and the more we can share and accept those different experiences, the more we can all feel a sense of true belonging in the world. I’d love to feel a true sense of belonging in the world. I think everybody would.